I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
