I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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