I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
