thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
