winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
