True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
