Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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