i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
