I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Buhtt sex?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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