New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
