Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
