I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
