yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
