There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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