He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How does one acquire holy water?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
