Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
