apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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