there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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