He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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