Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
