yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
