I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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