Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
