I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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