super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
