he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
