you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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