he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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