I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
