If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
