Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
