I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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