So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
