No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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