I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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