Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
