My friends, they love my intelligence
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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