I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
