Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
