I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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