today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
