have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
