i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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