Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
