drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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