I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
