I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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