Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
