Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
