im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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