I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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