bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
