I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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