so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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